“To begin to forgive, it is good to forego for a while. That is, to take a break from thinking about the person or event for a while. It is not leaving something undone, but rather more like taking a vacation from it. This prevents us from being exhausted, allows us to strengthen in other ways, to have other happiness in our lives.”
~Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women who Run with the Wolves
I have found that forgiveness, whether of self or another, is often an integral part of a healing journey. Forgiveness does not happen once and it is done – often we revisit forgiveness in many ways and from many angles over the course of life. The interesting thing that I have learned recently about forgiveness is that it is not often for the other person (you know, the one who did you wrong). More often, the act of forgiveness happens for YOU, the forgiver. Forgiveness is about opening the heart and while living with an open heart can be scary, it also allows us to be courageous and compassionate.
Self-Forgiveness as Rebellion
Practicing forgiveness, especially toward ourselves, can be surprisingly difficult. We are literally inundated with shame-based messaging through advertisements, the news, and social media that tells us that we are not good enough. How often do you catch yourself looking at an ad or picture and thinking, “Wow, I really should lose a few pounds before summer”? Or, “I need to just get x under control and then life would be different”? You can likely fill in the blanks from your own experience and inner stories. In our culture, shame and self-contempt are often taught to be motivating factors. While they may provide short term motivation, they do not create or support lasting change. So really, as we learn to practice self-forgiveness, we are rebels. We are inviting a new way of being and acting in a way that is different than the cultural norm.
What does self-forgiveness look like? It may be as simple as changing some of your internal dialogue. Inviting a voice that is kind to you instead of the one that criticizes your every move. One of my favorite authors on this topic is Tara Brach, a Buddhist meditation teacher and psychologist. In her book, Radical Acceptance, she teaches readers how to begin to show kindness and acceptance toward all parts of the Self. She says that in forgiving ourselves, we recognize our own basic goodness. I am coming to learn that this process of self-forgiveness (and healing!) is learned over a life time. It takes practice to train our thoughts and habits in different ways, which leads me to my next point. Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a vacation from this process.
So Now, Take a Vacation
You may be wondering how taking a vacation and forgiveness could possibly be related. Back to the quote I mentioned earlier:
“To begin to forgive, it is good to forego for a while. That is, to take a break from thinking about the person or event for a while. It is not leaving something undone, but rather more like taking a vacation from it. This prevents us from being exhausted, allows us to strengthen in other ways, to have other happiness in our lives.”
~Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women who Run with the Wolves
She goes on to say that we may even have to take multiple breaks in the forgiveness process. Forgiveness is not necessarily a sprint folks, it turns out to be more of a marathon. There is a certain amount of energy needed to allow for forgiveness. Often, rolling a scenario or story around mentally can actually be a drain on the body/mind/soul’s resources. To take a vacation from the thing that we are focusing on (i.e. healing, a certain illness, that thing your mother/father/partner/sibling/stranger did, etc) can actually help recharge your batteries. It doesn’t have to be a literal vacation, although that is entirely permitted! Sometimes just giving yourself permission to take a break from thinking about a situation for a period of time is enough to gather the energy necessary to continue on with the process. Often, in this “break” period, answers arise naturally and usually look different than you expect.
If I have learned anything from my research on and work with trauma over the past few years, it is that the body needs resources before it is willing to let go of anything. Now, this is actually quite intelligent. Because, what happens when a traumatic incident is stored in the tissues is that the body begins to reorganize around this experience. The body actually begins to take on a new shape. When we begin to remove the thing holding that shape in place (the trauma pattern, for example), the rest of the body must re-orient to this new way of being. This process can take quite a bit of energy, resources and time. Remember that game JENGA from childhood? As blocks were removed and the structure became more shaky, each player had to carefully select which block to take out so that the entire structure didn’t fall apart.
Invitation for Practice
I love this part of Dr. Estes’ quote:
” to have other happiness in our lives.”
Sometimes on this journey of learning forgiveness, it is important to just focus on cultivating happiness for a time. Do you know were in your body you are happy? Can you feel it? How do you invite happiness into your life and being? Perhaps for you, it is more a contentment. Exploring these questions in a curious way is an important part in the healing journey. Tapping into your inner sense of happiness or contentment may be one of your greatest resources.